


Snakes, Magic, and Death

by AthenaStarsnow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, First Dates, First Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27500950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AthenaStarsnow/pseuds/AthenaStarsnow
Summary: Voldemort stared down at his Tinder profile, unsure if he should just delete it once and for all. It had been the third online dating app he’d tried, and there had not been one single match on any of them. He was starting to get worried that he’d never find love.Based on a funny internet comic by @goofygodscomics
Relationships: Medusa (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore)/Voldemort (Harry Potter)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	Snakes, Magic, and Death

Muggle technology was as brilliant as it was infuriating.

Lord Voldemort grasped the iPhone in his hands, staring down at a self portrait of himself, with a huge green python wrapped around him, her forked tongue sticking out playfully. He wished it was his faithful servant Nagini and not some random snake he’d liberated from captivity at the local zoo, but this new snake had proven to be a good companion… for now.

Snake friends were one thing, but Voldemort found himself wanting more.

It was a truly awful photograph — he refused to use the word selfie. A sad attempt at a smile, marred by self confidence issues, did little to distract from the black eyes and conspicuous lack of a nose.

His snakelike appearance used to draw fear. But now, with his Death Eaters long since vanquished, and his rise to power in the Wizarding World just a memory floating in the back of his mind, his features caused nothing but averted eyes and whispers filled with disgust or pity.

It had taken him a while, but he’d finally moved on from his failures. The muggles were performing their own kinds of magic now. Science and technology could do things even the most powerful of rituals could not. 

Voldemort was expecting to hate it. But even he had to admit that all the small things, the increase of quality of everyday life, all the advancements that muggles had created, it was all quite useful indeed. And so Voldemort waded into the shallow end of the pool, slowly but surely getting used to the wonders of modern technology. 

He never expected it to go this far, but here he was, embracing the change as best he could.

Voldemort stared down at his Tinder profile, unsure if he should just delete it once and for all. It had been the third online dating app he’d tried, and there had not been one single match on any of them. He was starting to get worried that he’d never find love.

_Ding!_

What was this?

It couldn’t be!

He had a match! And it was… confusing. The profile picture was blank, just a black square of nothingness.

He double checked the name and swiped right.

Why was he too surprised though? If he was getting used to the muggles’ technology, it made sense that other Magical beings would use it as well.

He quickly sent a message, hoping it didn’t sound too desperate or awkward.

_Hello! I am Lord Voldemort, Dark Lord of the Wizarding World. If this is who I think it is, then I believe we have a lot in common._

A moment passed, and she responded.

_That depends. Who do you think I am? ;)_

_I am speaking to Medusa, am I not?_

_You are <3 _

_Would you do me the honor of accompanying me out to dinner?_

A few tense seconds passed, and three dots popped up on the screen, signaling that his match was typing. The anxiety was mounting, and the seconds felt like they went on forever.

Finally! The message appeared. Voldemort’s heart skipped a beat.

_That sounds lovely. Just as long as it isn’t Greek food. I’m tired of Greek food! :P_

Though he couldn’t quite decipher the strange series of symbols at the end of her sentences, he sent another message, suggesting a time and a place. She agreed, and Voldemort smiled, genuinely, for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Friday evening rolled around, and Voldemort made sure he had his best formal black Wizarding robes on. He was to meet his date at quite the upscale restaurant popular in the Magical community, and he would not want to embarrass her by dressing up in anything less than his best.

Still, a twinge of uncertainty poked at him as he looked himself over in the mirror before Apparating. Muggle cars and planes could go fast, but Magic was still better at some things. 

His eyes settled on his slit-like nostrils and he huffed in frustration. She wouldn’t be like the rest of them. 

With a wave of his wand, he disappeared in the blink of an eye, and reappeared outside the entrance of The Gilded Dragon, the restaurant of choice. He surveyed his surroundings but didn’t see her. He tried not to worry too much, he was a tad bit early, after all.

He looked at his watch, he still had five minutes before the agreed upon meeting time. Perhaps she was merely punctual. He whipped out his phone, and for a panicked second, thought about messaging her to see where she was at. He thought better of it, and instead played the infuriatingly addicting Candy Crush game to pass the time. 

He heard the unmistakable clip-clop of horse hooves and hissing of snakes, and he exited the app, shoving his phone deep into his robe’s inner pocket. He found himself smiling as her horse-drawn chariot pulled up to the valet parking, and she got out of the carriage. The valet boy was careful to keep his eyes off of her as he took the chariot away.

She was even more beautiful than he imagined. Dressed to the nines, the fiery red dress she wore complimented her pale green skin flawlessly, and accented her curves nicely. The dress was low cut, showing a generous amount of cleavage, but Voldemort was nothing but a gentleman as he glanced but didn’t stare. His eyes moved further upwards, past her neck, to behold the most beautiful face he’d ever seen.

She was just as he was: the vague scaliness of her skin, the flat front and slit-like nostrils where a nose would normally be, the dark black eyes that struck fear and terror into mortal men. She gave him a wicked smile, and he could see the hint of venomous fangs as her lips parted. 

Her forehead gave way to a large mass of living snakes, wriggling and slithering about, many of them tangling and untangling with each other. A myriad of tongues poked in and out, and a choir of soft hisses filled the air. 

She sauntered over to Voldemort, full of confidence, and planted a kiss on his cheek. Several of the snakes in her hair also tasted his skin with their tongues, and he let out a laugh because it tickled.

He held out an arm and she took it, snuggling up against him. The hostess led them over to a small corner table with low, romantic lighting. 

They ordered a bottle of the restaurant's most expensive imported red wine and got to chatting.

Voldemort was surprised at the ease of conversation. They had more than looks in common.

“Thissss boy, Perssseusss Jackssssson. He’ssss what, twelve yearssss old? And he goesss and cutssss my head off with hissss bronssse sssword!”

“Tell me about it,” Voldemort moaned. “Everyone says I was defeated by an infant, but in reality it was his mother’s magic that kept Harry Potter safe. And even after he grew up, I still wasn’t quite at my full power. And he defeated me again! He destroyed seven of my eight horcuxes. Luckily I hid the other one away where nobody could ever find it, and I’ve been slowly growing in power again.”

“It’sss sssooo infuriating! Having to wait to reform your body, issssn’t it?” Medusa reached across the table and held Voldemort’s hand, caressing his knuckles with her thumb.

“Harry is all grown up now. He has a family. Children! Can you believe it?”

“Persssseus issss older too, now. Part of me wantsss revenge, but another part is jusssst too tired to persssue it, you know.”

“Living longer than most mortals takes its toll. And the fire, the flame inside of us that burns for the hatred of our enemies, even that dims with time.”

Medusa squeezed Voldemort’s hand and winked at him as he took a sip of wine.

“I didn’t know you were ssssoooo poetic. I’m ssssure that flame can be replasssed with a new dessssire.” 

Voldemort almost spit out his wine as he felt her foot brush his ankle, moving ever so slowly up his shin, teasing him under the table.

They continued on like this through the night, reminiscing about their evil plans, imagining their enemies begging for mercy, discussing their favorite vacation spots, potential plans for the future, all the while Medusa teased him here and there. She could tell he was a bit shy about all of this, and enjoyed pushing his buttons.

Voldemort was pleased to hear they were both in similar places in life, seeming to want very similar things. Someone to share moments with, the good and the bad.

After a delightful dinner, Voldemort escorted Medusa to her chariot. She hesitated to get in, instead turning to face him, and looked deep into his snakelike eyes. 

“I had a wonderful time tonight,” he said dreamily.

“I did too,” she said, giving him a playful smile. He hoped he wasn’t imagining things as she seemed to lean in closer to him. A tingling experience in his stomach made him feel temporarily nauseous.

Why was he hesitating? He was Lord Voldemort! There was nothing to be afraid of!

He squashed the fear and slid his hand around the back of her neck, pulling her close. He kissed her full on the lips, and it was the most wonderful sensation he’d ever experienced in his whole life. Medusa’s snake hair tickled his bald head as her lips moved with his. He paused for half a second in surprise as he felt her forked tongue move inside of his mouth.

It only took him 70 or so years to finally experience what his old Hogwarts classmates had called “snogging”, and he finally knew what all the fuss was about.

As wonderful as it was, it had to end sometime. Voldemort and Medusa parted lips and he stepped back to admire her.

“Wow. That was…” Words were failing him now.

“Have you ever kissssed anyone before?” Medusa asked. “Becausssse that wasssss a little…”

“It wasn’t good?” Voldemort asked, his good mood rapidly deflating.

“It wassssn’t the worssssttt I’ve had. But we’ll have plenty of time for practissssse on our nexssssst date. If you’d like to go out again, that isssss.”

“Of course!”

“Then it’ssss ssssettled. Here, give me your phone.”

Voldemort handed her his phone and she put in her number in his contacts list.

“Feel free to sssshoot me a texsssst sssssometime ssssoon, okay?” She leaned in and kissed him again. This time it was short and sweet. A goodbye kiss.

But not final. He’d see her again. Soon.

His phone beeped at him, indicating a notification. Medusa had deleted her Tinder profile.

Voldemort smiled as he deleted his profile as well.

Muggle technology was as brilliant as it was lovely.


End file.
